Breathing Your Way To Better Health Really Sucks
Learn how oxygen vacuums up all the junk in your trunks.
Storytime
My first husband had a problem with vacuums. It was BAD. They triggered all his major OCD problems. He obsessed about the vacuum lines left on the carpet and insisted I couldn’t walk on them once he got them just right.
Over the course of our ten years of marriage, we went through six vacuums. SIX. Because none of them was ever good enough. According to the ex-hubs, each one had some kind of fatal flaw.
The worst time was the canister vacuum I named “The Little Red Beast”. He questioned the poor Sears salesman for over an hour before committing to the $400 purchase. Little Red Beast met his demise six months later, being caught at the short end of my ex’s temper tantrum when a chewed up dog toy got stuck in the long wand. I’ve never seen a household appliance get so mangled. I picked up little red shards of plastic from the corners of our living room for weeks. It was a full on murder scene.
We got a $900 Oreck after that.
He got the Oreck in the divorce.
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The irony of all this is that my first husband was a master meditator who could perform almost any stupid human pretzel yoga pose on command. (yes, he could wrap both his feet behind his head and look at you smiling…let me tell you, it wasn’t as funny as you think). The man was very well trained in breathwork. He could even do that thing with his stomach and his breath that was, in my opinion, not-human. (this video is NOT my ex…but it is the movement I mentioned).
I find it hilarious that this guy here calls the exercise “the stomach vacuum”.
I once suggested that maybe ex-hubs should try doing his yoga breathing while vacuuming. He took a long (I mean epically long) inhalation. Maybe it was a game to him, to see how many perfect lines he could make on one inhale, or if he could do the whole room on one breath. It was like he sucked up all the toxins in the room and refused to exhale. I watched the rage and fire fill him up as his face turned as red as The Little Red Beast.
I didn’t wait to see what happened next.
I fled the scene.
Good thing, cuz that was the time Little Red Beast bled tiny red shards everywhere.
Lesson
A vacuum really is the greatest metaphor to explain the power of your breath.
First off, your lungs work like a vacuum. When you exhale, the lungs collapse and create a vacuum effect. The vacuum action creates that natural equal-and-opposite reaction of the inhalation. (it’s kinda like when you buy a new pillow and it comes vacuum sealed…as soon as you slice that plastic sheath the pillow fluffs up. MAGICK!)
And, that’s not the coolest part.
The coolest part about your lungs really sucking for you is how they work with oxygen as an atom. The real vacuum is the oxygen.
Damn, if scientists could manufacture a vacuum that worked as well as oxygen does to clean your system, they’d get the impossible ex-hubster’s official seal of approval
So here’s my little 5th grade science explanation of why oxygen sucking is so damn good for you.
Oxygen as an atom has EIGHT electrons spinning around its nucleus. Those 8 electrons #1 goal and drive in life is to MAKE FRIENDS with all the lost soul atoms in your system. They want to connect with other atoms to make molecules, and take those lost soul atoms to places where they will be better served, and they can serve better. Even if that means making little carbon dioxide molecules for you to breathe out into the big outside world.
In other words, oxygen likes to go into your system and vacuum up all the atoms that don’t belong there anymore. IT CLEANS YOU UP.
Call it a vacuum. Call it velcro. Call it a natural chemical reaction. The point is, the more oxygen you have in your system to go vacuum up all the stuff that doesn’t belong there anymore, the cleaner and healthier and more healed you are.
There’s a reason all the really good housecleaning products all start with OXI- they work with the chemical reaction of oxygen to go vacuum up the crap and take it away to where it belongs.
Let me tell you, if you feel dirty on the inside AND you want immediate relief. A good several minutes of deep breathing will help you feel less toxic far better than any diet cleanse, enema, or colonic. If you feel all the icks from some ugly human encounter with someone you consider less than human in that moment [insert ex-hubs holding broken Little Red Beast], a good 30-seconds of deep focused breathing will knock that shit right out.
The best way to get the most cleaning oxygen into your system is to breathe in a way that the air fills up your lungs as much as possible, especially to the bottom of your lungs.
But that’s the stuff reserved for the paid subscribers. In the Mini-Course Lesson for this week, I’ll show you in a mini-video how to breathe so that you get the most cleansing benefits. My hope is that enough of you will upgrade your subscription to bring the soul of Little Red Beast back to living in each and every one of you. Let’s make this planet a cleaner human space, with perfectly shaped vacuum carpet lines of love everywhere.
P.S. I may have over-exaggerated the ex-hubs a bit to the limit of hyperbole here. He really wasn’t that bad. He’s a good man, with a good heart, and a teensy tiny problem with OCDing vacuum carpet lines. We all have our “things” - this was one of his.
This Month on The Mindfulness Coach
My free subscribers will get a series of four articles about why deeper natural breathing is so important, what it does for you, and how it works in your body.
August 6 - Breathing Your Way To Better Health Really 🫁 Sucks
Learn how oxygen vacuums up all the junk in your trunks.
August 13 - Tired? Free Air Works Better Than A $5.00 ☕Coffee
If you’ve never scored 90% on anything, here’s your chance at a do-over.
August 20 - Reclaim Your Life With A Short Trip Through 🪐 Space
Nothing adds more space to your body and your life than oxygen.
August 27 - Go “Steady” with Your Breath
It’s a relationship you want to stay in.
**Thank you
for your headline magick.**Re-Learn How To Breathe Like a Baby - And Make EVERYTHING Better.
(for paid subscribers)
This month I’ll be offering step-by-step 🎥 video instructions on how to train your body to breathe better. If you practice these simple exercises throughout the month, by the end of the month, you will have trained your body to breathe better as your natural every day breath. The benefits are limitless.
Step #1 - Your Diaphragm is Your Parachute to a Better Place
Step #2 - Don’t Be a “Mouth-Breather” - Nose Breath is Best
Step #3 - Puppy Purrs are BEST
Step #4 - Even-Steven your way to Steady-Ready-ness with your Breath
Don’t Like Mini-Courses?
Try a Private Session.
If you are a chronic breath holder, or online video courses aren’t your jam…I can teach you personally. Let’s get your brain talking to your diaphragm and get your lungs remembering how to do their full jobs.
Absolutely love your reenction of your ex-husband and his carpet lines it's so sad because I do actually understand that with my own versions of OCD but I was not as crazy as him nor was I as delusional so I'm glad you're out of that I'm still a little delulu but you know it is what it is
You're great!